A Lone Stranger

The remaining grains of rice on my plate cling to each other as if they are trying to avoid the fingers hovering above them. They seem to move about the plate without my even touching them - fleeing, rolling, sticking to the remaining clump of wasabi guarding the edge. When I look down at my plate, I see the food that had been there with them, but that has now disappeared - gone into the jumbled up inner-workings of my body. Gravy is no more, it is now gradually cooking at body temperature, mine. That's when it starts - sometimes it begins with a low rumble in my hip sockets - a vibration that spreads through my muscles and settles uncomfortably in my elbows. On occasion, the pang will come directly from where the food has supposedly gone - a naked rumble that I think everyone can hear. That, I think, is when my eyes start to melt backwards into my body. This, I believe, is when my auditory system starts to shut down to the world. This, is definitely when I start feeling that t...

1. Look from left to right from top to bottom. The rod in the middle does not exist. 2. How many, 7 or 10. Count at the top and then at the bottom. 3. Is the door open to inside or outside? 4. Round or square? 5. How many, 3 or 4? 6. Is this just one? 7. Rare construction. 8. The centre beam disappears, look from left to right. 9. 2 or 3?

Those words have been haunting me all day. They're not particularly harrowing words on their own, in fact, they are quite the contrary - affirming, validating, smile making. I spend hours and hours and hours and years of my life pouring my soul, my spirit, my skin, my blood and my tears (sometimes literally) into my writing. It is my release, it is the way that I pick at the layers - sometimes flaky, buttery, and delicious - but often times grimy, scabbed over, and moist (yes I went there) - that surround my core and my centered self. It is how I burrow through blocks and explore my inner and outer demons. I write out my alternate universes, my deepest conflicts... With that in mind, who wouldn't want to hear such a statement? This morning, my self-doubt got a serious smacking with it. I heard it as a reprimand - I got it with a tinge of hurt and "really?"...from a dear friend, from a mentor, from an inspiration. My precarious self esteem around my own talen...

Shake Off Your Problems A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened... and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery. Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back... a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back... He should shake it off and step up! This he did, blow after blow. "Shake it off and step up... shake it off and step up... shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter h...

I remember feeling. I remember laughter. I remember crying when I was sad. I remember rain. I remember acid on my skin. I remember clouds shining on the surface of a river.  I remember scratches. I remember bleeding. I remember sinking, thinking - useless. I remember strength. I remember focus. I remember knowing what it's like to be raw. I remember dying. I remember falling. I remember my heart exploding - sacrifice. I know feeling. I know laughter. I know to cry when I am sad. I know rain. I know acid on my skin. I know clouded surfaces of murky water. I know scratches - cuts. I know bleeding - pores - screech. I know that right now I feel bruised. I know strength. I know focus. I know a rawness right now - that needs to be held. I know dying. I know falling. I know I want you to hold my heart. Take care of me tonight. I remember.... I know... I hurt.