Wandering.......


Though the day is still in its nascent phase, the collective heaviness in our breath is felt as the muggy sky frowns down upon the world today. A week of rains and murky atmospheres both in daily and nightly lives has dripped this city in a sluggish glaze that leaves me wondering whether we really did avoid the end of days. The sky slivers in and out of a brown-hazy half-smile - one where you can't help but focus on the side that isn't smiling.  I can't help but focus on the grimace formed by hardened eyes whose colorless abyss sucks me into place I haven't been for a long time and don't care to return to. I can't help but wonder why I long for a velvety embrace from tentacles writhing around my wrists, my knees, cracking my joints.

This mood has been permeating steadily through my subconscious and I feel the fragmentation from last week growing steadily more apparent. Some mornings, I awake to find a new face in the mirror - one that has returned form a night of fighting demons, one whose eyes are blazing with fear, exhausted from the effort of just staying open. I can feel the pulsating energy in my arms ripping through my muscles, making me aware of places that I never knew could be sore. I have accessed, tapped into, used the dark side of healing energy, and I am consumed with the repercussions, obsessed with having this shadow side stifled -  this darkness extinguished by blazing light energy.

No light, nor food, nor breath, nor calming wind has penetrated the fear of taming a growling monster. One wonders, often, when one is sick, "why have I been put through this test?" "What is my body trying to tell me?" I feel that mine has been begging for a way in which to get rid of negativity, to sift through remnants of hurt and fear...and be left with simple, silent serenity.

Calm?

The concept seems so far away to me right now. I was told, recently, that if things feel up in the air, and if I find myself constantly trying to remain on kilter  - that I should be satiated with the knowledge that I am on the right track. Perhaps it means that I should become comfortable with umbrellas and shield myself from the continuous spew of flashback memories and repeating situations. Certainly, it is case for pause when a malignant energy returns - in a different from - a true creature with ill-fitting skin.

Certainly, certainly...yes, of course. All I can do is let the moments pass, let the thoughts linger until they effervesce from my consciousness - and let the images go. Screaming violins and bursting veins will soon flow away with the tides...as they do...

My dearest shadow,
I know that you are
bubbling from deeper down
I know that you are
struggling from the bites
that you set on yourself

My dearest shadow,
storms have ravaged your
borders and you have leaked
onto the decorated boardwalks
painted flowers have bled
their colors from your face.

My dearest shadow,
Your tears have stained
my pillow - inebriated in your
burgundy woes - yet you
still manage to crack that
smile over my broken face.

My dearest shadow,
a taste of your power has
left me ill - sick of myself.
A taste of your evil has
brought fear into my body
-congealed in my muscles
as excruciating pain.

My dearest shadow,
I see your footsteps on my skin,
bruises leading
through where you have
left breadcrumbs.
And I follow.

My dearest shadow,
Opposing wings cannot fly.
We learn...we must... to work
as one. The balance between us
is the only thing that
will let me
let us
let you
let me
let you
let me
let me
let me

let me survive.

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