A Jinxed Love Story
A Jinxed Love Story: 5 Autowallahs I Have Met in Delhi
Autowallahs are not my favourite people in the world. And going by the sheer number of stink eyes I get from them every day, this feeling must be mutual. Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of times when the autowallah has happily agreed to take me by the meter, or sweetly helped me find my way when I was more lost than Babe was in the woods. But it is a truth now universally accepted, that thanks to my auto-jinx, I have had more near death experiences in auto-rides than everything else put together.
Here are five types of autowallahs, I encounter pretty often, but wish I didn't.
1. The Hulk: First and foremost is The Hulk. He may not turn green but The Hulk is ALWAYS angry. The Hulk loves expletives. They make him happy. In my vast (and deeply disturbing experience) it is best to keep calm and plug in your earphones. Also pray that he doesn't run over someone. Pray you fool. Pray.
2. The Spitter: Most Indians produce an abnormal amount of phlegm. In fact, spitting may just be one of our secret past times. But The Spitter takes phlegm-producing to a whole new level. He is like a spitting cobra on wheels. The Spitter drives and spits. He stops, he spits. He talks, he spits. Basically, there is no stopping the spit.
Civic sense?!! HELLO. The phlegm is more important. Thoooo for your thought.
3. The Pathological Liar: HE LIES. About everything. He may not know the way, but he will say he does and end up in the middle of nowhere. He may also say that he is taking the shorter route and then take you for a longer ride than any your boyfriend might have taken you on. The Pathological Liar is the sort of autowallah who can cause high BP in penguins.
The Pathological Liar likes long drives. And your company.
4. The Honker: While this sort of behaviour is not limited to autowallahs, if you're stuck with The Honker, may God bless your soul and your ears. The Honker, as is apparent from the name, LOVES to honk. He will honk at cars because their existence perhaps annoys him, at pedestrians who are nowhere near him, at dogs who are busy minding their own business, and at the traffic signals to perhaps scare them into turning green. But honk he will. Because, yes he can.
He will honk at everything, anything and nothing.
5. The F1 Racer: If we could tap this potential reservoir of talent, India will start producing a lot more F1 racers. These autowallahs do not drive. They fly. Almost. Trucks, cars, dividers no bar. They are the equivalent of the infamous Knight bus from the Harry Potter series. If you do not wish to get run over, then move before you literally get blown away.
Stop flaunting your fancy car. He can move faster than you, bro.
Mine is truly a jinxed love story. Let's just hope the rest of you have had better luck with autowallahs!