Work of Steven Wright

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning & all of my stuff had been stolen & replaced by exact duplicates."
Steven sees things differently than most of us.
Here are some of his gems:
1. - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. - Half the people you know, are below average.
4. - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. - A conscience is what hurts, when all your other parts feel so good.
6. - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
7. - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
8. - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
9. - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
10. - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
11. - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
12. - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
13. - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
14. - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
15. - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
17. - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
18. - I intend to live forever... so far, so good.
19. - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
20. - What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
21. - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
22. - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
23. - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
24. - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
25. - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
26. - The hardness of the butter, is proportional to the softness of the bread.
27. - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many, is research.
28. - The problem with the gene pool is, that there is no lifeguard.
29. - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
30. - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
31. - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
32. - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.


And the all-time favourite -

33. - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

:)

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